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Both May Be Right

"In every dispute between parent and child, both cannot be right, but they may be, and usually are, both wrong. It is this situation which gives family life its peculiar hysterical charm." -- Isaac Rosenfeld

Rosenfeld almost got it right, but not quite. Certainly, in every dispute between parent and child, both may be wrong. It's also true that they both may be right; and to some extent, they usually are. Although parent/child disputes are typically treated as a special category, they are better understood merely as disputes, not particularly different from other disputes. Quite simply, people are disagreeing. That's all there is to it.

When parents and children disagree, the dispute is viewed differently than other disagreements. In the latter, there is an assumed balance or parody between the participants. In the former, there is a strong tendency to assume that the parent is right and the child is wrong. For the child to pursue the contrary view is disrespectful.

When adults disagree, they seldom dispute the observable facts. They are usually disagreeing about the correct interpretation, meaning, or significance of those facts. When parents and children disagree, it's usually over "enough;" early enough, late enough, clean enough, good enough, well enough, and so on. Even so, the dispute represents a difference in point of view, opinion, or interpretation. The point is that the issue is normally not the kind of situation where someone is right and someone is wrong. Both parties are at least partially right. Instead of understanding it as a dispute or argument, it needs to be seen as a negotiation, not dissimilar from any other negotiation.

This converts most parent/child disputes to either negotiations or unilateral decision making. The parent either negotiates or lays down the law, so to speak. There is no dispute or argument. Deciding which is appropriate is difficult; but Virginia Satir has a perspective that helps, "Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."

Of course, Sidonie Gruenberg was right, "Home is the place where boys and girls first learn how to limit their wishes, abide by rules, and consider the rights and needs of others;" but Thomas Moore was also right, "Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul."

The conclusion is this. Lay down the law with your children, when you must. The rest of the time, negotiate, using the same tact and interpersonal charm you use with everyone else with whom you occasionally disagree.

Important Children’s Health Issues

Feb 7, 2012
Kids And Teens

Martin Craigs asked:




Issues concerning children’s health are ever changing with time. Currently our children face many new challenges and problems with their health and welfare.

Obesity

Obesity is perhaps the United States’ number one children’s health issue. 16% of children ages 6-19 are considered overweight or obese (above the 95th percentile for weight in relation to height), with numbers that keep climbing. Various factors play a part in this children’s health issue: if parent(s) are overweight, socioeconomic status, inactivity, and (obviously) nutrition. Hispanic youths are more likely to be overweight. Obesity specifically in girls, depends on their socioeconomic status; if they are of low income, the likelihood of being overweight is significantly higher than if they are of middle or upper class. The challenge we are facing now is how to prevent childhood obesity and help already obese children lose weight. Unfortunately, shaming children to losing weight, as some parents do, can lead to eating disorders and emotional problems. Children and teens lose weight the same way adults do: they need to find a method that works for them, whether it is going to a nutritionist or a weight-loss camp. Most importantly, becoming active and having a support network are key factors.

ADHD

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a common mental disorder among children and adolescents and is one of the most concerning of children’s health issues. ADHD is characterized by impulsiveness, hyperactivity and inattention. If ADHD is not treated, it can travel with the child into adulthood, which it does for over half of children with this diagnosis, and pose further mental disorders. According to the CDC, 7.5% of children ages 3-17 are diagnosed with ADHD, and 1/3 do not have the hyperactivity component. Learning how to treat this disorder is very important in relation to helping your children cope with this possible life long mental disorder. A wide variety of medications, such as Ritalin, are often used. Behavioral therapy for children and parents is another popular approach. Treating ADHD involves a lot of trial and error to find out which method of treatment will be the best for your child or adolescent.

Teen Pregnancy

After a 14-year decline in teen pregnancies in the United States, they are on the rise again. According to the CDC, 2008 saw an overall national increase in teenage pregnancies by 3%. The rise in specific states, mainly Southern states, showed higher rises in percentages of teenage pregnancies. Teen mothers account for 11% of births in the U.S.. Experts are unsure of why after 14 years the rate of teen mothers went up. The question is now, how do we make it go back down? It has been suggested that the ever-present “abstinence only” policy of school *** education programs should be re-vamped and include instructions on how to have safe ***. Our daughters need strong role models to help them through all of society’s unrealistic expectations.

Autism

The Mayo Clinic describes autism as a serious developmental problem that usually occurs in children under 3 years of age with varying symptoms, all of which affect the child’s ability to communicate and interact with others. Up to 6 out of 1000 children is affected with this disorder. The cases of autism are rising, which could be accounted for by more accurate diagnoses, but professionals are unsure. In recent news, it has been suggested that autism could be related to immunizations that are given to children, as children receive more shots now than ever. The lack of vitamin D has also been suggested as a case of autism. In the medical world, there are many speculations of what causes autism, however, there has not been a proven trigger for the disease. Autism is much like ADHD in respect to that there is not one standard treatment; it depends very much on the individual. Depending on the severity of the diagnosis, occupational therapy and/or behavior therapy are the first places to begin. Parents are also encouraged to take part in treatment programs to learn the best ways to cope with this diagnosis.



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Marriage Counseling – What Do I Do if My Spouse Refuses to Go for Help?

Feb 2, 2012
Relationships

Kristina Von Rosenvinge asked:




It seems counter intuitive to go for marital counseling if one spouse refuses to go. The reasons for refusal invariably have to do with feelings. It could be embarrassment, shame, shyness about sharing private stuff, etc. I have found after working with hundreds of couples that they can successfully improve their relationship whether I work with both or with just one. When working with only one person that person then has to initiate the couples work as I guide them in the process.

Step 1. Get back in touch with who you are

Relationships have a life of their own. You probably have adapted yourself to the relationship.
Take some time to get back in touch with your own essence.

Step 2. Trust your feelings

Get in touch with what you feel. Feelings just are you don’t need to do anything about them.
Just identify them because they will guide you.

Step 3. Think clearly.

In order to think clearly you have to calm down your feelings. If you react from feelings without thinking you are responding rather than deciding how you want to handle a situation.

Step 4. Anchor your feelings and thinking

This is the key to being in control of your life. You do the anchoring silently within yourself. Listen to what you feel and then think as to how you want to handle a situation.

Step 5 Look at the process between you and your partner

Once you learn to be really in charge of yourself you can start looking objectively at your partner.
What is your part in the interaction and what is his/hers. When people are hurting in a relationship they are primarily focusing on emotionally protecting themselves. Consequently, when communicating they are much more focused on thinking of what they want to say next rather than really listening to the partner.

Step 6 Listen to your partner

This is only possible if you have learned to calm yourself down enough first. It is one of the primary reasons why working with one of the partners of the relationship works so well. As that person learns to calm him or herself hearing the other person becomes possible. Then on e can begin to solve the problems.

Step 7 Think in terms of WE

To build a happy intimate relationship you have to be able to tolerate hearing why the other person is upset. One can only do that when there is a sense of control over oneself. The person who is doing the work on self and has an understanding of the process of their relationship can start expecting change from the partner who did not attend the sessions. Marriages that grow do so because both people have taken responsibility for themselves and for improving their relationship. It is only then that love can shine between them.



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Marriage and Family

PIP helps you look at yourself and at your marriage and family relationships.  It is not a test.  Rather, PIP enables you to see your stronger and less strong areas, those things that you do better and those things that you do less well, those things within which you should find pride and satisfaction and those things deserving a little more time and attention from you.

Each section focuses on an important area of marriage and family life.  Within each section are several statements about the most important interpersonal elements for that area.  Going through all of the sections and statements will help you look at your strengths area by area and specifically at your strengths and less strong points within each area.

To the left of the statements within each section is a blank.  Put a “5” on the blank if the statement is always true for you.  Put a “4” if it is usually true for you.  Put a “3” if it is sometimes true for you.  Put a “2” on the blank if the statement is seldom true and a “1” if it is almost never true for you.

5 = almost always true

4 = usually true

3 = sometimes true

2 = seldom true

1 = almost never true

Once you have finished a section, add together your ratings for all of the statements in that section.  This will give you a combined score.  Next, divide the combined score by the number of statements in the section.  This will give you an average score for that section.  Write in your average score for the section in the blank to the left at the beginning of the section.  Once you have finished all sections, add together your average scores for each section and then divide by the total number of sections. This will give you a composite score indicating how well you function overall as a marriage partner and family member.

Once you are finished, you will find that you have some points that represent real strengths for you and some points that represent less strong elements.  The goal is to work toward average scores of “4” or above within each section and an overall composite score of “4” or above.

How do you achieve this level?  Go back to the individual statements, locating those statements where you gave yourself a “1”, “2”, or “3”.  These represent the specific things on which you need to work.

It is important to use two approaches.  First, be sure that you spend most of your time and energy doing those things that you do well: those things where you gave yourself a “4” or “5”.  Do what you do well and do it as much as possible.

Next, begin to give some time, thought, and energy to increasing how often you show the behavior, attitude, characteristics, and so on shown in those statements where you gave yourself lower ratings.  Emphasize your strong points and gradually strengthen your less strong areas.

Below, remember to limit your responses to your relationship with others at home.

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